The Lighter Side of Travel
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Etiquette for the Plane
Staff writer
On a recent trip to Boston (alas! I'm not talking about my First Class expérience, it was the...(shudder)...Coach episode) I encountered so many social faux pas on the aircraft, I decided to once and for all, make clear some basic Plane Etiquette. By following these basic suggestions, I'm sure everybody's flight will be that much more pleasant...er...tolerable.
At the Gate
Wait
until they call your seat number to board the plane
Don't you just love the people that crowd the person calling
the seat numbers no matter where they're sitting? They wanna get
on and that's it! The person at the gate will go, "Sorry, we're
boarding First Class right now, you're in Seat number 48Z, you have to
wait." Then they come up with those doozy excuses, "Oh,
I didn't realize! Well, as long as I'm here, can I board?" or
"My hernia's acting up, I really need to sit down." or "Yes,
but I was here first." Here's a note of revelation: They can't
leave until everyone's on the plane! So whether you get on first,
or last, we all be a leavin' at the same time.
On
the Plane
Place Your Carry-On in the Overhead Compartment and SIT DOWN!
I cannot stress this enough. Apparently, everybody has enough intelligence
to have the assemblence of mind to purchase an airline ticket and board
a plane. Continue that stream of consciousness and simply put your baggage
in that darn compartment and take your seat. Don't comb your hair in the
middle of the aisle. Don't start chit-chatting with your neighbors, while
other passengers are trying to find their seats. Don't start rummaging
through your bags. And don't just stand there! Ever see that one? They
just stand there like, "Hello, I am the Center of the Universe, you
must maneuver around my butt to get by."
Who
Gets the Arm Rest?
It's first come, first serve. Whoever sits in their seat first, and snags
that armrest, is the winner. See why it's so important to take your seat
quickly?
Chatting with the Person Next to You
It's nice to have a pleasant conversation with your neighbor to help pass
the time on your flight. Howevah...it appears some people don't
want to be bothered and want "quiet time." Other people can't
seem to take the hint, and will continue jabbering on endlessly, whilst
the other fellow's eyes continue to to roll backwards in their head. Here
are a few tell-tale signs your neighbor doesn't want to talk to
you:
- They're wearing headphones
- They're asleep and drooling
- They're handcuffed to their briefcase
- They're asleep, drooling, wearing headphones, and handcuffed to their briefcase
- They have a "do not disturb" sign around their neck
Bodily
Functions
Let's start with the head area. When sneezing, coughing or burping,
please cover your mouth. Didn't we learn this as a child? Apparently,
some of us forgot.
On to the lower regions. If you must pass gas because of the
oh-so-delicious plane food you've just eaten, or the five beers you just
drank, or for whatever reason, could you please get up and go to the lavatory
to do it? Nobody wants to sit captive in your fumes while tears collect
in their eyes.
The
Beverage Cart
Get as much as you can for free. When they ask what you'd like to drink
(the free stuff) heck, get one of each! You won't be seeing their faces
again any time soon. Once they pass your seat it's adios amigos!
You've had your turn! So, git while the gittin's good.
Mealtime
When eating the "meal" or "snack", please close your
mouth while chewing. I once sat next to a man who ate with his mouth wide
open and made such loud noises it sounded like the Invasion of Normandy.
During Turbulence
Try to remain calm. It's poor form during turbulence to scream, "O
my God! We're all gonna die!!" Also, any deals you make with God
during extreme turbulence, should be made in silence. Never say
things like, "I'll never sleep with my wife's sister again!"
or "I promise to return the $40,000 I embezzled from my partner!"
or "Our son isn't really yours!", outloud. Particularly, if
the other party is sitting next to you. It can make the rest of the trip
a tad awkward.
When
the Plane Lands
DO NOT immediately jump up and grab your stuff from the overhead compartment
while the plane is still taxi-ing. Wait till they tell you to get up.
The attendants get very upset when you do this and the whole plane could
sit for an extra minute or two in "punishment" because of one
"Eager Eddie".
Getting off the Plane
Be courteous of your fellow passengers, even if you feel some of them
have the IQ of a grapefruit. Again, remove your items form the overhead
compartment, in an efficient manner and proceed down the aisle.
As a final note, when seeing the pilot on my way out, I always like to
thank him "for getting us here." Try not to brush
the top of your hand over your forehead and make the "Whew!"
sound.
B'bye.